Avril was looking up, eyes stuck on a red lantern that was lodged beneath the gutter of a roof. She doubted the gutter even worked but it managed to find another purpose in preventing this lantern from flying away somewhere where it would be recycled or thrown out. They rested, nestled between each other in a state of quiet acceptance, knowing both of their lives were now frozen in a still, meaningless picture. Surely her day had already been worth more than this, but she couldn’t help but finding parallels between the lantern and Last Kunlun. But what would the gutter be in this metaphor? The Sun or the universe? Avril’s thoughts were abruptly derailed as she heard a door creak behind her.
“Should be here in an hour.”
The cleaner she had pinged earlier came without complaints, Avril was still pulling from contacts that she hadn’t used during her manic marathon earlier this week. This meant that unfortunately, she was calling out to the bottom of the barrel, for cleaners it meant having to deal with those who don’t take proper care of their equipment. Whether the cleaner was aware of it or not, Avril wouldn’t mention it, the brunt of the work was over and only the gurney fell apart right at the finish line. After too much negotiating for her liking, the cleaner had agreed to be the one to make the call so that Avril didn’t end up burning two contacts in a row to trudge through the Hull. A replacement was on its way, nothing else to do then than wait.
“You can go if you want,” Avril waved to the cleaner, “I’ll stay to finish the job.”
“Eh, respectfully declined, all of the products in that shitty gurney are mine, I’m not letting this guy steal them.”
Avril scoffed. You’d think the cleaners would work more seamlessly as a unit with how little they showed off their individuality. For all of her years interacting with them, she had never learned any one’s name, only vaguely remembering quirks and habits out of the serial numbers on their masks, the same one listed on the tablet she used to contact them. It was exactly this kind of cold void of personification that Avril and her peers in every district tried to mend for everyone on their way out. It’s not like they could replace them either way, so they worked together as best as they could.
“You called in someone you don’t trust to give you back your shit?”
“Wouldn’t trust any of them to give me back a single bleach cap.”
“All of that’s commandeered from the Scavs to you guys anyway, it’s not like you’ll run out, why would you care?”
“You wouldn’t get it.”
“Sure.”
“You can go though, I can finish the job.”
Avril raised an eyebrow, was this guy taking the piss? The address Avril had followed today only led to silence. Like the majority of the doors she knocks on, there were noone left to answer her. This time, the door was left unlocked. Maybe it was them who reported their address ahead of time, maybe they convinced a neighbor to do it for them. Either or, this person had expected her to come.
“I have to be here”
“See?”
“Okay you know what? I’ll argue, you stay because you have a materialistic desire for whatever reason, I stay because noone else is going to be here for them before they get shipped to the Funerarium. It’s what we do.”
“What, I don’t count?”
“Is this what cleaners do when they have a lick of free time?” Avril chuckled, “What’s this, a debate parlor?”
“Yep,” the cleaner sighed, sitting down opposite to her, under the lantern and the gutter, “what did you expect? We run off of chemical fumes and nightmares.”
“As respectfully as I can then, how do you keep going?”
Avril saw the cleaner scratch their cheek through the fabric of their mask. Number 11980. Had there been really that many since the institution was established?
“It’s an on and off thing,” the cleaner replied, suddenly sounding more serious, “Don’t know any one cleaner that stayed active for too long at a time. You know I started because they needed a lot of volunteers back then, last year before the False Dusk, well at the time we didn’t really know it wouldn’t go anywhere so no regrets there but a bunch of people just started being way more… nasty. It’s the end, who cares, right? I’m a clean freak, always has been, never understood why because my parents sure as shit didn’t follow the same doctrine.”
“You were born in Last Kunlun?”
“Yeah, yeah, was just fifteen or sixteen when the False Dusk rolled around, I have some images in my brain of the Sun’s colors back when it had any… where was I? Oh yeah so everyone is kind of on board with the idea that everything is over so just let loose, have fun, but Van Kalkain wanted to make it more presentable I guess? Hired a ton of cleaners overnight without any background checks, a bunch of them went out to smoke all of the liquids they had now access to but I had my own fun.”
“What’s the definition of fun in this context?”
“People wanted to get ahead of the Sun, you see,” the cleaner whispered, leaning forward, “An ego thing or something else, didn’t matter, bodies were practically falling from balconies left and right but everyone was too fucking high on everything every grown under the Sun to give a shit. So Van Kalkain tasks us to sweep up a bit, make everything a bit more proper in the face of oblivion, so we get to cleaning! So many bodies to spare, noone to care about them whatsoever anymore so…”
Avril furrowed her brow.
“Ahh, you thought of something even nastier? It’s alright, we just did freelance autopsies on them, trying out chemical reactions because we could. What’s a well kept liver in a vat of drain cleaner? Nothing pretty. A whole new generation of cleaners could’ve just become the next Doctors from all we learned those days. Naturally, things didn’t stop there, big whoops. I think Van Kalkain would have killed us all himself if he didn’t have more on his plate then.”
“Probably never had his plate empty afterward,” Avril sighed, only vaguely showing her repulsion through her tired traits.
“That’s right, so like I was saying, we were pretty busy past that point, lots and lots of cleaning up to do and I was just happy to help of course. And not long after, that kid came out of nowhere with the Major in tow, it was a whole other shit show!”
It was a bit comedic, that the cleaner would describe her that way as the Capitán couldn’t have been much younger than them then. Remembering the thunder from last night, the cries of everyone around her, rallying and booing this figure raising her hands to the sky, it was hard to imagine she had ever been a child.
“And then I stopped,” the cleaner said, slapping his hands on his knees, “for a good while.”
“Any reason?”
“You ever see someone blown open from the torso up to their nose? Only guy I cleaned up who I remember the name of, Hulys. He ransacked a Versal building, taking hostages, breaking shit, the whole thing. I wasn’t there to see how this got resolved, I only cleaned him up, but the parts of him that weren’t attached to his body were all splattered against the brick wall. That’s what took me the longest to swipe off.”
Avril had found herself not knowing which side to take when the Capitán took her place next to the Old Man’s grave. She didn’t know him, she doesn’t know her, neither of them made any impact in her life even if she knew that they both shaped the city she lived in. Her hands couldn’t move, her mouth wouldn’t open even as Last Kunlun erupted all around her. Avril had wondered if somewhere in that fiery crowd, Raime was apart of that noise. It felt like the worst possible scenario, one shove in the wrong direction, one cut from falling at the wrong place, and everything would reshape itself around them. Because it’s what their existence entailed, right? It’s what she had seen in the elevator, in Raime’s bathroom. They would take, and take, and take and drown all of the noise around her. Would she see it coming? Would it be painful? Would it be deserved? Would they feel it? The Capitán was illuminated in the basking red lights of the lanterns now flying all above her. The catalyst for the end of everything was still here, somewhere, even if the Sun had set. The cheers and claps overtook the insults, no riot had formed itself, the Capitán lowered her arms and the altar remained her and hers alone. For guidance, for an answer, Avril looked to her right. Alina was looking straight ahead, her arms and mouth as still as hers. Her gaze carried a weak emotion, not the rage, contempt or pity that Avril recently had to suffer from her when talking about Raime.
“I have a question then,” Avril asked, leaning against the door, “Did you cheer for her?”
“Oh totally, don’t think I ever yelled that loud in my life.”
The new gurney ended up coming to the rescue, the 11980 and 11991 bickering for what felt like one more hour over who got to keep the spoils. Avril’s eyes wandered back to the lantern and the gutter, the cleaner was right, she didn’t get it and she didn’t want to. Coming to an agreement, the two cleaners scampered off without any goodbyes, leaving Avril on the empty doorstep with the broken gurney as only company. Avril looked at it, its only fault was having a broken leg and Suits and cleaners both not having a fixer’s hand. She couldn’t have told anyone why she tried but alone in the empty impasse, she was hauling the gurney over her back. Empty as it was of both body and bottles, it wasn’t too heavy for her to carry, if only a little impractical. She could have left it there, lodged in a corner where it would have rested until the Sun took them but the conversation with the cleaner had unnerved her. They didn’t bother asking her any questions about her, not too much unlike Lyna, bless his soul, the old heads would much prefer talking about themselves. Maybe they assume she couldn’t have much to say compared to them. All of them, blissfully unaware that she sent someone capable of ending the world on the streets with only a “Be careful, then.” Avril bit her lower lip as she held onto the gurney, rising up a set of stairs too steep for comfort. Due to her own choices she couldn’t afford the better stairs in the hidden corners that Raime had showed her, this pointless quest needed to be taken through the large streets of the Upper Stratrum for everyone to see.
Finally reaching U40, Avril stood, heaving looking at the entrance, facing the dire reality that even if she managed to enter the complex with the gurney, it would never be able to make the journey up the stairs or enter the elevator. Avril glanced at the opposite complex, the couch that had plagued this complex’s entrance for days was now nothing but ashes. Despite the neighboring complexes having similar facades, this one had a larger interior and a ground floor courtyard that she could leave the gurney on, for anyone who’d be interested to do as they please. Satisfied with the idea and lowering the gurney with a grunt, Avril rolled it on the side it still had two legs on towards the complex’s entrance. Before she could rethink anything, the gurney’s broken leg held onto the open gate with a decisive click. Avril stopped, then went forward and backward. No movement. She let go of the handles and the gurney stayed stuck in place, diagonally inclined in the doorframe. Avril chuckled nervously, looking right and left of her. Seeing noone, her laugh became more confident. Truly, noone in this complex must’ve deserved this. She kept cackling to herself as she rose up the steps to the 3rd floor, only calming down while her hand landed on her doorknob. Raime’s door was open, leaving a good view or their messy bed. Avril didn’t blink, waiting for any movement, paying attention to any sound that would come from the apartment. But nobody was home, and so she turned the doorknob.
Avril’s heart almost shot out of her chest when she saw her mother lounging on her couch. She knew that Alina had noticed her jumping of surprise but she chose to appear unfazed, squinting at a corner of the living room. They had left each other after the Knightcall at City Hall once Avril got what she needed from Van Kalkain’s office and she didn’t expect her mother to be back this early.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at City Hall?” Avril asked, not masking the frustration in her voice.
“Iorice told us to go home,” Alina replied dryly, “Told us that the Capitán would likely pay a visit and I quote “No idea what she could do at this point.””
The image from the cleaner’s story about one of the Major’s victims came back to her mind.
“Didn’t think Iorice would be the one getting paranoid…”
No rebuttal from Alina, just a twitch of the wrinkles above her nose.
“She told me that we might start working in the Hull.”
“What? The Pillar of Architecture?” Avril blinked, “I mean Clay could be convinced but the congregation?”
“The Capitán offered them on a platter, she claimed to have a foothold in the district.”
“First time I’ve heard of it.”
“Same as everyone else in the complex, and the wallflowers at the Grande Gate, she hasn’t stepped a foot in here.”
“That’s going to spread like wildfire… Did you ask Raime as well?”
Alina shot her a look. What did she expect? Noone in the complex scoured the city half as much as them, if anyone would know… Did they actually know? Avril pondered for a minute ignoring an aggravating roll of the eyes from her mother. Since before the incident that had them meet in the elevator, Raime had claimed to have found something akin to a job, and expended much energy in keeping its details away from Avril. She had thought then that they probably didn’t want to get her hopes up in case they’d be let go or that the work was fictitious in the first place but maybe they’d gotten involved in politics. Nothing at City Hall that’s for sure, or they would have crossed paths by now, even if they tried to avoid her.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Alina spat, “But you’ve seen what they’ve been up to since you dragged them out of the elevator, exactly what they were doing before, whole lot of nothing.”
“Why are you so quick to dismiss it? If you had asked them straight up you would’ve seen straight through their attempt to lie.”
“Don’t play around, you think this is a big game? You think this is a detective novel? You’ve seen that they’re not like you or me, Raime has the power to eat through Last Kunlun in only hours and now they’re aware of it. You think this is the moment they try and get involved in business relations between the fucking Cors and the Hull? They’ve been running around for nothing but wasting time like they’ve always done.”
Was Alina cradling this vitriol against her breath at every hour of the day? Conversations around Raime led them nowhere, it was clear that her mind had been set a long time ago and that Avril could never mend this even if she spent every waking minute between them trying to make something happen. Impossible for her to know if Raime even wanted this out of her, but Avril couldn’t imagine that being shunned like this by the only parental figure you’ve known since being abandoned cannot have left them unscathed.
“That’s really your only issue, huh. Since the start, since you learned that they were like this. You watched them grow up only seeing that monster you created in your own head. Do you even remember how they used to look at you? How they used to look at everything around them? I remember this, I remember them trying to comfort me even if my problems somehow ended up hurting them more than me, I remember them trying to show me the neat and maybe meaningless things they found around the city. Raime doesn’t know the monster that’s taking, and you must realize that you’re doing nothing except hurting them by acting this way, if they didn’t go and end the world by now they’re not going to because you give them the stink eye or whatever.”
As Avril was ranting, her heart beating faster and faster, she saw her mother slowly raise her arm to rest in front of her eyes. She would take this pose she would take once she’d decided the conversation was beneath them, it only enraged Avril more.
“It was too inconvenient,” Alina replied, “For years I’d agonize over raising a child, whether it was right, whether it was fair, whether I was capable or not. Years and years and years and so many nightmares of me failing to be up to the task before you were born. But once you were born, once I held you in my arms and looked into your eyes I knew then, I knew I was ready. I had this, unshakable resilience that I had never felt in my heart before, that no matter what would happen to you I would be there so that even if the Sun could take us any time it wanted, I would do everything in my power to make sure you’re at your happiest every hour and every minute. And I was doing so good, I was finally being my best self after a life of doubting every action I ever took. I finally let go of that vision of parent and child that I inherited from my own parents.”
“So this began from the very start with Raime, “Avril whispered, pursing their lips together.
“At first it was a challenge. An unknown factor, the fear of the dark, of inadequacy, creeping back towards me. But you looked so happy, even happier than when it was only us two and,” Alina’s voice cracked, “And what could I have done then? I worked even harder to make it work, to be there for them. And I was good at it, I expanded my own reach and managed to make sure you both were growing up in the best environment I could offer. I rose to this challenge, I met it head on and I said “I am not the same person I once was!”.
Alina cackled to herself, in a manner way too similar to Avril’s own impulses. A realization that only made her sad.
“But oh, you know what happened next. Can you imagine the horror? Could you ever understand? I made you sleep in the same bed, I slept between you both, I held you both to read you stories and accompany you outside. All of this time, just a small incident away and I could have lost you and myself to the whim of whatever is inside Raime? I relive the day Tenor told us about what happened with Prys everytime I even hear about them. It doesn’t make sense to me. What did I do to deserve this? What kind of sick and twisted reality do I live in where I’m the one who needs to meet these challenges with nothing but my good faith? I can’t. I know where my limit is, and if the world decides that I’m unworthy then I’d rather Raime take everything with them and we be done with it. I did my best, no matter what happens I’ll die knowing that.”
“Doesn’t it make you feel something?” Avril beckoned, her own voice growing weak, “Knowing that despite everything, Raime would rather stay away from everyone rather than kill us all in revenge?”
Alina let her arm fall to her side, looking deeply into her child’s eyes. Avril had never seen her cry, but her eyes were still shot and tired.
“Because noone else raised them this way but you.”
Avril saw her scoff lightly but her tirade was over. Somewhere deep inside, she wished that Raime hadn’t been the catalyst that brought her mother to open up like this. She still held so much inside, so much that she was obviously repressing. All of those born before the False Dusk would end up saying the same thing that she couldn’t deny. She couldn’t imagine, she could never understand. Raime and Avril lived in a world too different from the one they’d been born in, and neither side ever tried bridging this gap, because why would they? As far as anyone is concerned, once the Sun sets over Helix tonight, it might not come up on the morrow.
“I did ask Raime about what they were up to, before I learned about what the Capitán was doing,” Alina switched the subject away from her.
“What then?” Avril asked, genuinely surprised that she had asked Raime that question before she could.
“They claimed to be working for one of the Pillars.”
“And were they lying?”
Alina looked back to the corner of the living room, her eyes lost between the covers of books they had both read many times over. Shadows seeping from the blinds were shaping their surroundings like an audience hall that had suddenly grown quiet. A theater stage that only waited for its curtain to fall. The silence was all the answer Avril needed.