Raime contemplated taking the elevator in U40, hands deep in their suits pockets. Avril’s outfit was still too big for them to be perfectly comfortable but they hadn’t cooled down enough to start being this picky. They had lost track of how long they stood in front of the closed doors, ruminating, when they opened with a joyful ring, leaving way to a bright eyed human dressed head to toe in leather. His face was so tattooed the smile he gave Raime formed entirely new shapes of paint on his cheeks.
“Hey, Raime!”
“Hey.”
The human didn’t fancy a conversation, and walked out on the street without any more words as Raime scuttled away. They wouldn’t have been able to remember his name, only vaguely recalling the unique face from times where people of the complex would gather at Tenor’s place. But like some others, this one had remembered. If they crossed paths again, Raime would ask his name. It didn’t feel like consideration, the potential embarrassment of being perceived as inconsiderate felt far away from them now.
This morning had given them too much time to think, from the top of the Hull to their conversation with Avril. Now that they were back where they started, Raime realized that what motivated them to keep one foot in front of the other was still an aimless desire for action. But they had spent less time grazing the walls, having to seek out Avril’s path from other habitants of the Hull. Direct, and yet two steps of distance, always. It was new and unnatural, but everything had worked out in their favor. Maybe it was the suit, as badly fitted as it was, that gave them a upper hand but Raime found others they accosted to be much worse with conversation than they were. They couldn’t help but feel a little smug about it.
Following her trail, stepping down the strata, Raime took the time to get a meal in advance. They attempted to listen to what people were saying around them but it all amounted to drivel. Where had they heard that word before? They couldn’t suddenly pretend to care about everyone’s problems even if they were making changes to their approach with life. None of the people surrounding them in the queue for filled bread had any idea how fickle their existence were. Who could blame them for thinking their end would come from above? That was the world Raime had been raised as well.
Finding Avril, slouched over this lonely bench, Raime couldn’t help but stare. Even sitting next to her, she hadn’t noticed them instantly. Tired face, but not one of mourning, a somewhat peaceful emotion painted over it gave Raime some relief. How long had she been out like this? Raime had categorically refused to ever follow her when she worked, today seemed like a good opportunity to break another cycle, for the sake of it, but Avril looked very much done for. Throughout their conversation, they refused to let any expectation set in. Out of everyone, they didn’t want to entertain a preconceived idea of what her reaction would be. They had last seen her angry, confused, even betrayed but Raime received none of that from her. They had asked a question, or maybe it wasn’t even one. Only a statement, a proof they were both aware of how their world had changed, but she only answered with a smile. Raime had declined expectancy so they couldn’t figure if they were relieved or disappointed, it all washed away in the drains beneath them.
They had left her to sleep on the same bench they ate on, claiming to want a taste of Raime’s lifestyle. They could’ve said something more but nothing came out, maybe scared that her decision would shift if they stuck around too long. Weightless. Every new moment since closing Alina’s door had been a stride in accepting this unnerving sense of wellbeing their whole body was feeling. Raime had instinctly fled from this feeling since they limped out of the bathtub but they struggled to find any reason to anymore. The elevator hadn’t been recalled, its doors still open, as if waiting for them, so Raime followed the sign and stepped inside.
Raime mechanically pressed the third button, rattling the small vehicle. The plate in the elevator was numbered in a language noone in this complex knew how to read. Through trial and error, all of its residents had learned what symbol equated to which floor, and noone had ever bothered changing it, probably perpetuating this tradition for centuries. The elevator was spotless, smelling like fresh metal, but their eyes immediately fell on a scrape in the lower corner of the numbered plate. No blood, no flesh encrusted in the fault, as if nothing had ever happened. The elevator rode upwards without a itch, smoother than they’d ever seen it. Raime passed their thumbs nail through the scrape, the well cut keratin fitting perfectly in the depression. The three floor ride passed quickly, and the elevator gleefully rang its arrival, leaving Raime back home. The Sun was well on its way now and the hall of floor 3 was as hazy as a dream. They looked to Alina’s door, almost wanting for her to come out, but the door remained shut and Raime exhaled before heading to Clay’s door.
Raime had only set foot in his apartment in passing, as he rarely invited anyone in. They put a palm on the door, ready to push it open when they remembered Alina’s first confrontation. Even if it was a rare visit, they unconsciously didn’t knock unlike with Alina and Avril’s apartment. The implication only made them exhale from their nostrils as they decidedly pushed the door. The place was small, only slightly larger than theirs, or only felt that way from the pervading darkness granted by all the windows being shut. The main room was lit by small hung lamps, decorated in the shape of mechanical cores, casting intricate shadows all over the walls. Raime didn’t close the door behind, letting the Sun announce their presence in case Clay needed to wake up. They looked around, a majority of the floor was littered with machines, every seat and everything even remotely resembling a table acted as a makeshift workshop, Raime couldn’t help but be impressed by the commitment. Or maybe it was like the mess of documents and books Alina left laying everywhere, it was more of a curse, sapping everything from him while granting a purpose. Even if it wasn’t as materialistic, perhaps Raime’s life had taken the same turn without them knowing.
Clay’s head popped up from another room, brow furrowed, eyes blinking, “Welcome, I guess.”
“You were sleeping?” Raime asked as he walked around them to the bathroom, tiled in faded blue.
“Not sure, my hands were on some wires, but I forgot if I was doing anything with them when I saw your shadow on the floor.”
The conversation was put on hold as Clay ran his arms under some water before slapping them together, his deep red skin turning a dull gray in the sunlight.
“Great job on the elevator, you know, the cleaning.”
“Uh huh,” Clay replied, following them with his eyes as he went back to the main room, “Tenor did most of the cleaning, I had to replace the entire power bank system and isolate Volantis currents as fast as I could because of, you know, the blood.”
“Sorry.”
Clay sighed, sitting himself on top of what looked like a shape printer, making Raime notice the complete lack of practical furniture everywhere they could see. He sat in front of them, letting Raime stand between him and the door, casting a large shadow over him.
“What do you need to be sorry for? You’re not here to eat me?”
Raime snorted.
“Just needed to get that out of the way,” Clay said quietly, with a hint of embarrassment.
Even if subdued, Raime once again felt guilty. They were as lost as all of their neighbors in the end.
“You were thinking that since yesterday?” Raime asked quietly.
“Since way back, here and there. Alina said as much, I imagine? We only had what Tenor told us to try and imagine what you are… capable of. I have to admit I ended up glorifying it a bit, but seeing you shivering like a newborn in there was just scary.”
Even after stepping in and out of the elevator again hadn’t changed anything for them. Raime still felt a part of them was stuck, helpless, on the floor waiting for time to pass. Even if once again they hadn’t been offered a seat, Raime took it upon themselves to make one. They shuffled some items around, ignoring Clay’s exaggerated shivers everytime they touched something, leaving the light of day between them.
“It still feels like none of you are freaking out enough. Alina had the most to say and it felt like she had more issues with me than with my condition or whatever we’re calling it,” Raime sighed as they managed to clean a flat enough surface to sit down, “You were completely chill with me coming here to “eat” you, Avril only lets me off with a smile and a “be careful” again. Not even a day ago I felt so helpless and now…”
“You’re not scared anymore?”
Raime let the thought sit with them, there were enough conflicting ideas in their mind that they struggled to come up with a straight answer on the spot.
“Calmer, at least.”
“Yeah you wouldn’t have made a very convincing breaker. Never had that temper, couldn’t imagine you in that line of work, more of an artist was my guess. Hey Tenor!”
Within the shadows in the back of the apartment, Raime could discern cloth moving around and a low grunt responded to Clay’s call.
“What did you imagine Raime doing with their life already?”
The shuffling stopped and a Tenor buried in Clay’s bed pondered for a second.
“Pillar of Life.”
“Fucking Pillar of Life, you believe that guy, Raime? Ridiculous goal out of nowhere.”
The shadowed bed rummaged a bit and went still once more, not offering any more insight. Those must have been conversations the adults of floor 3 had between them when Avril and them were children, already an exercise in futility for so long now but if the Sun kept proving them wrong, why stop now? Pillar of Life was so definitely very far from where Raime stood right now. Alina worked in City Hall and Avril scraped her lists from the current Pillar of Life but that meant Raime only touched this part of the city by acquaintances. Learning Tenor’s idea for their future that they hadn’t gotten close to meet stung a little. But it hurt them less than it would have if they had heard it before climbing the wall. Raime hung onto that feeling.
“Did you ever wonder about your childhood? Before coming here?” Clay continued, pensively.
“Here and there, but you told me you found me in an aerobus, right? I don’t even remember that.”
“Right, I could’ve made it up since you forgot about it you know, thanks for the trust. It’s like I was still there though. Sun still behind the Hull, out of the blue line right in front of the Grande Gate. Should be nothing more to it, kids get abandoned all the time, or at least they did,” Clay looked up to the darkened ceiling, clicking absentmindedly on a small device in his hands, “If there was an easy answer for you it would be there, but noone ever came looking for you and Avril was de-light-ed to have a sibling.”
“Alina less so.”
“I’m absolutely not getting in the middle of that.”
An impassable wall. When Raime tried recalling their earliest memories they could only see floor 3 and all its corners, the view of the upper stratum from Avril’s bedroom, looking up at the adults, shying away from holding their hands. There was nothing to recall from the bus, or even meeting Clay for the first time, not even a blur as if that part of their life had been severed. Raime squinted.
“I could’ve come from anywhere. If I was left with a purpose they did a lousy fucking job. I’m going to look somewhere else for answers.”
“But you’re looking for ‘em, huh. You want to know where this freak shit comes from.”
Right now, this felt evident. Raime could keep hugging walls, chased by shadows for however long that would last. But the Sun had stared in their eyes and gave its verdict. Not yet. There was still time, if there was something to find in this city they would find it. There was noone better equipped than them to start scouring the corners of Last Kunlun for an answer to a simple yet elusive “What am I?”. That said, they wouldn’t mind a hint.
“You have an idea of where I could learn more about this… freak shit?”
Clay launched the device they held to the ceiling, where it stuck with a clang, and smiled confidently, “Oh, I know just the place.”